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March 20 1996

The Animal Rights Debate
by L. Skenazy

Animal rights are a hot issue these days...and here's what the animals are demanding:

      Deer and Raccoons: National 15 mph speed limit

      Rabbits: Abortion on demand

      Cows: Farm subsidies for basic cable

      Rats: Better housing

      Bees: Queen must pay her taxes

      Amoebae: No discrimination on basis of asexual preference

      Male Black Widow Spiders: Safer workplace conditions

      Mosquitoes: All Americans must take a blood test (and give it to them)

      Dogs: Expand hot lunch program to pets

      Kangaroos: National day care

      Praying Mantis: Prayer in the schools

      Beavers: More funds for flood relief

      Geese, Grouse, Ducks, Moose, Squirrels and the Occasional Possum: Gun control

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