Book report on the entire Bible.
I wonder how often we
take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I
think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a
light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the
Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because
mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating
one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what
they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve
had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a
million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was
a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and
put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came
Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because
Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son
named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible
guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights
out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on
Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave
them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor
thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was
the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the
fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king
by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about
300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't
sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then
barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I
guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came
the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a
barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to
me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a
matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with
sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they
named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed
many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot
didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but
will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of