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SOME DEFINITIONS FOR DOGS LIVING WITH HUMANS
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
people where you want them to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest
room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this
properly, you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
A GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test
your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine
wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body
fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves
and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them
in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain
amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and
following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy
wrappers. When you get bored, turn the basket over and strew the papers all around until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating, it is polite
to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.