Humor, Fun > Humor - Index

Quotes

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency. —S.T.

A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands. —Unknown.

Guns are always the best method for private suicide. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time. —P.J. O'Rourke.   1947-

Why do people sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they're already there? —Larry Andersen.    1953-

Where does virgin wool come from? The sheep that runs the fastest. —Banks.

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident, it makes you wonder about history. —"Bits & Pieces"

If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. —Brooke Shields. 1965-

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me. — Woody Allen.    1935-

Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations… —Mendosa.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes. —Frieda Norris.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. —Mary Ellen Kelly.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. —Stephen Wright.

If you go back in time, don't step on anything. — Matt Groening.    1954-

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. —Soloman Short.

My mother said to me, “If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.” Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso. —Pablo Picasso.  1881-1973

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? —Woody Allen.  1935-

If you water it and it dies, it's a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it's a weed. —Gallagher.

We've hit rock bottom, and now we're starting to dig! —FM 104.7, Canberra, Australia.

Life is like a box of chocolates, a cheap, thoughtless perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefineable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut-butter cup or an English toffee but they're gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So you end with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth shattering nuts. If you're desperate enough to eat those all you've got left is a ... is an empty box filled with with useless brown paper wrappers. —"The X-Files"