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In the beginning, there was The Bird. And The Bird was in darkness, for the
Cage was covered, and there was naught to see.
And The Bird was pissed about this situation, and demanded that the Cage be
Uncovered, and that there should be light.
And The Bird sayeth “BBBBBRRRRRRAAAAAWWKK!”
And, lo, this cry did shatter the morning silence, and the Ears of The Owner
were rent asunder, and the sleep of The Owner did dissipate.
And it came to pass, that The Cage was Uncovered by the Owner, and thus light
did flood in, and The Bird saw that all was Good.
Well, almost.
For in the light of the Uncovered Cage, The Bird beheld that the Food Dish
was forsaken of food... there was naught within.
And boy, The Bird was wroth with perturbment, and thus sayeth the bird:
“Oh, mere mortal Owner, ist thou so stupid as to forget my morning repast, as
is my right to demand of you?”
But the Owner knew not the divine language, and it only sounded like
“BBBBBRRRRRRAAAAAWWKK!” to her (mostly because her ears had been rent asunder
earlier).
And as it was the will of The Bird, the food and the water dishes were taken
away, and ritually washed and dried. The divine repast of Pesticide-Free Organic
Produce, Dried Fruit, Berries, Nuts and Expensive Pellets was duly prepared, and
thus presented before The Bird.
And the Bird looked upon the great feast with one round, dark eye, and
decided to become mortally afraid of Carrots, even though The Bird had eaten
Carrots since time unending. And thus, were the Carrots flung down from the
Cage, to roll under the sofa, to go unnoticed by The Owner and decay there. This
action much pleased The Bird, and henceforth, The Bird took great Joy in
flinging All Manner Of Objects out of The Cage and Onto The Floor. The Bird saw
that this was good and proclaimed, “BBBBBRRRRRRAAAAAWWKK!” So that The Owner and
All The World would know. (Maybe not the *whole* world, but everyone on the next
three blocks sure as hell knew about it.)
And The Bird knew by Divine Avian Logic that if he did not care for the
prepared morning repast, he was entitled to feast upon books, heirloom furniture
and Small Children (not necessarily in that order). But today, having flung away
all the Carrots, the bird deemed the repast edible, and lo, did make a gourmand
of itself, and ate the whole thing, and was done.
But with the morning repast finished, and nothing left to fling, The Bird
soon became bored. It was time to go Beyond The Cage, as this was also the
divine right of The Bird, to wander the living area of The Owner,and Poop Upon
All He Observed, floor, furniture, man, woman, or child. For The Bird possessed
The Owner, and by all Avian Logic, The Bird did possess anything that The Owner
possessed, even if The Owner had A Big Mac, and was eating it, The Bird was in
all rights able to take the Big Mac from the owner, and of course, Fling It Down
Onto The Floor, and even better, Poop Upon It.
And so sayeth the bird “BBBBBRRRRRRAAAAAWWKK!” and hence, the owner came
running, and made the door of The Cage to be Open. And The Owner said unto The
Bird, “UP!” and The Bird did, in all it’s sublime glory, step upon The Hand of
The Owner. And the bird was much pleased, and did happily make a noise of
contentment, and all was good, and quiet and peaceful (for the next three
seconds).
But, as The Bird sat upon The Hand of The Owner, The Bird beheld that there
was, abiding in the Living Room, upon the sofa, The Significant Other of The
Owner. And The Heart of The Bird was filled with a great and dour jealously, and
The Bird did henceforth swear to try to Devour The Significant Other At Every
Opportunity and would forever see that The Significant Other suffered Pain from
the Beak of The Bird, and Poop from the Other End. And the Bird looked upon the
Significant Other, and said: “BBBBBRRRRRRAAAAAWWKK!” in an exceeding loud voice,
which caused the Significant Other to spill his soda all over. And The Bird Saw
That This Was Not Only Good, But Pretty Damn Funny, Too. And henceforth, The
Bird would Scream whenever The Significant Other would dare to be in the same
area as The Bird (within a 10 mile radius).
And then it came to pass, that The Bird was removed from the Hand of The
Owner, and The Feet of The Bird came to rest upon the perch of the playpen that
was solely The Bird’s. And such were the delights in the Eyes of The Bird. A
swing, a chain, wood to chew, and many things to fling. And there came upon the
land, A Miracle, and that Miracle was named Silence, and Silence ensued for the
next two hours, whilst The Bird did Amuse Itself and Play quietly.
And while this was, the owner did carefully clean The Cage and remove the
Poop from therein, and made the cage to be most immaculate.
As time passed, The Bird was made weary from all the difficulties involved in
the job of being a Divine Creature. And so The Bird, going quietly unobserved,
did clamber down from It’s pen, and make to It’s cage, where It took a nap.
And The Owner looked upon the playpen, and saw that The Bird did not abide
within or upon, and The Owner was fraught with fear, thinking that The Bird had
either devoured itself whole or that The Significant Other Had Indeed, Meted Out
A Terrible Punishment Upon The Bird, And The Bird Was Now A Fancy-Coloured
Featherduster. And The Owner did set up such a great and Sorrowful keening, that
it caused The Bird to awake, and Screech loudly for being disturbed during such
an important job as a nap. And, lo, the Owner was soothed, and The Bird returned
to It’s nap.
And when the time for the nap had passed, and The Bird was now Awake,
Refreshed, and Hell-Bent For Leather, The Bird did cleverly let itself out of
The Cage (for no implement of any mere mortal could hold it) and sought out
something for to destroy.
And it came to pass that The Bird ate a $100 dollar Technics Stereo Speaker,
and lo, a miracle it was that The Bird was not electrocuted into something
resembling Kentucky Fried Chicken.
And the Owner was sore annoyed by The Bird’s action, and Cursed and Decried
the Bird, and The Bird was returned to The Cage, where It did Sulk for an Hour
unmitigated.
So the rays of sunlight coming through the window, did grow long, and Orange
in colour, and The Bird saw that it was time for the evening repast, and was
given a divine meal in the bowl.
But The Bird soon became sore displeased, when it noted that The Owner was
possessed of a Golden Dragon dinner... Chinese Take-Out, and The Bird did upset
the dish into the Bottom of The Cage, and thereupon did fling All out from The
Cage, and Scream until it was soothed with a large piece of Family-Style Bean
Curd.
And then The Bird did go along with The Owner to Watch X-Files, and soon
became Weary and demanded to go to bed.
The Bird retired to The Cage, which was covered, and The Bird saw that this
Darkness was warm, and comfortable, and was Good in the eyes of The Bird (which
were getting heavy, and sleepy), and The Bird did drift off to sleep.
And in the end, there a Puffy, Sleeping Bird, with It’s Head Tucked Under
It’s Wing, and all was quiet until the next morning... when everything started
all over again...
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