Humor, Fun > Humor - Index

It’s a Bird’s Life

In the beginning, there was The Bird. And The Bird was in darkness, for the Cage was covered, and there was naught to see.

And The Bird was pissed about this situation, and demanded that the Cage be Uncovered, and that there should be light.


And, lo, this cry did shatter the morning silence, and the Ears of The Owner were rent asunder, and the sleep of The Owner did dissipate.

And it came to pass, that The Cage was Uncovered by the Owner, and thus light did flood in, and The Bird saw that all was Good.

Well, almost.

For in the light of the Uncovered Cage, The Bird beheld that the Food Dish was forsaken of food... there was naught within.

And boy, The Bird was wroth with perturbment, and thus sayeth the bird:

“Oh, mere mortal Owner, ist thou so stupid as to forget my morning repast, as is my right to demand of you?”

But the Owner knew not the divine language, and it only sounded like “BBBBBRRRRRRAAAAAWWKK!” to her (mostly because her ears had been rent asunder earlier).

And as it was the will of The Bird, the food and the water dishes were taken away, and ritually washed and dried. The divine repast of Pesticide-Free Organic Produce, Dried Fruit, Berries, Nuts and Expensive Pellets was duly prepared, and thus presented before The Bird.

And the Bird looked upon the great feast with one round, dark eye, and decided to become mortally afraid of Carrots, even though The Bird had eaten Carrots since time unending. And thus, were the Carrots flung down from the Cage, to roll under the sofa, to go unnoticed by The Owner and decay there. This action much pleased The Bird, and henceforth, The Bird took great Joy in flinging All Manner Of Objects out of The Cage and Onto The Floor. The Bird saw that this was good and proclaimed, “BBBBBRRRRRRAAAAAWWKK!” So that The Owner and All The World would know. (Maybe not the *whole* world, but everyone on the next three blocks sure as hell knew about it.)

And The Bird knew by Divine Avian Logic that if he did not care for the prepared morning repast, he was entitled to feast upon books, heirloom furniture and Small Children (not necessarily in that order). But today, having flung away all the Carrots, the bird deemed the repast edible, and lo, did make a gourmand of itself, and ate the whole thing, and was done.

But with the morning repast finished, and nothing left to fling, The Bird soon became bored. It was time to go Beyond The Cage, as this was also the divine right of The Bird, to wander the living area of The Owner,and Poop Upon All He Observed, floor, furniture, man, woman, or child. For The Bird possessed The Owner, and by all Avian Logic, The Bird did possess anything that The Owner possessed, even if The Owner had A Big Mac, and was eating it, The Bird was in all rights able to take the Big Mac from the owner, and of course, Fling It Down Onto The Floor, and even better, Poop Upon It.

And so sayeth the bird “BBBBBRRRRRRAAAAAWWKK!” and hence, the owner came running, and made the door of The Cage to be Open. And The Owner said unto The Bird, “UP!” and The Bird did, in all it’s sublime glory, step upon The Hand of The Owner. And the bird was much pleased, and did happily make a noise of contentment, and all was good, and quiet and peaceful (for the next three seconds).

But, as The Bird sat upon The Hand of The Owner, The Bird beheld that there was, abiding in the Living Room, upon the sofa, The Significant Other of The Owner. And The Heart of The Bird was filled with a great and dour jealously, and The Bird did henceforth swear to try to Devour The Significant Other At Every Opportunity and would forever see that The Significant Other suffered Pain from the Beak of The Bird, and Poop from the Other End. And the Bird looked upon the Significant Other, and said: “BBBBBRRRRRRAAAAAWWKK!” in an exceeding loud voice, which caused the Significant Other to spill his soda all over. And The Bird Saw That This Was Not Only Good, But Pretty Damn Funny, Too. And henceforth, The Bird would Scream whenever The Significant Other would dare to be in the same area as The Bird (within a 10 mile radius).

And then it came to pass, that The Bird was removed from the Hand of The Owner, and The Feet of The Bird came to rest upon the perch of the playpen that was solely The Bird’s. And such were the delights in the Eyes of The Bird. A swing, a chain, wood to chew, and many things to fling. And there came upon the land, A Miracle, and that Miracle was named Silence, and Silence ensued for the next two hours, whilst The Bird did Amuse Itself and Play quietly.

And while this was, the owner did carefully clean The Cage and remove the Poop from therein, and made the cage to be most immaculate.

As time passed, The Bird was made weary from all the difficulties involved in the job of being a Divine Creature. And so The Bird, going quietly unobserved, did clamber down from It’s pen, and make to It’s cage, where It took a nap.

And The Owner looked upon the playpen, and saw that The Bird did not abide within or upon, and The Owner was fraught with fear, thinking that The Bird had either devoured itself whole or that The Significant Other Had Indeed, Meted Out A Terrible Punishment Upon The Bird, And The Bird Was Now A Fancy-Coloured Featherduster. And The Owner did set up such a great and Sorrowful keening, that it caused The Bird to awake, and Screech loudly for being disturbed during such an important job as a nap. And, lo, the Owner was soothed, and The Bird returned to It’s nap.

And when the time for the nap had passed, and The Bird was now Awake, Refreshed, and Hell-Bent For Leather, The Bird did cleverly let itself out of The Cage (for no implement of any mere mortal could hold it) and sought out something for to destroy.

And it came to pass that The Bird ate a $100 dollar Technics Stereo Speaker, and lo, a miracle it was that The Bird was not electrocuted into something resembling Kentucky Fried Chicken.

And the Owner was sore annoyed by The Bird’s action, and Cursed and Decried the Bird, and The Bird was returned to The Cage, where It did Sulk for an Hour unmitigated.

So the rays of sunlight coming through the window, did grow long, and Orange in colour, and The Bird saw that it was time for the evening repast, and was given a divine meal in the bowl.

But The Bird soon became sore displeased, when it noted that The Owner was possessed of a Golden Dragon dinner... Chinese Take-Out, and The Bird did upset the dish into the Bottom of The Cage, and thereupon did fling All out from The Cage, and Scream until it was soothed with a large piece of Family-Style Bean Curd.

And then The Bird did go along with The Owner to Watch X-Files, and soon became Weary and demanded to go to bed.

The Bird retired to The Cage, which was covered, and The Bird saw that this Darkness was warm, and comfortable, and was Good in the eyes of The Bird (which were getting heavy, and sleepy), and The Bird did drift off to sleep.

And in the end, there a Puffy, Sleeping Bird, with It’s Head Tucked Under It’s Wing, and all was quiet until the next morning... when everything started all over again...