I shall cease doing my loudest scream in my humans ear right after I have
snuggled up on her neck making kissing sounds and whispering I love you's into
her ear. I also will not laugh my evilest laugh when she winces in pain and
sits there with a dazed look on her face until she can hear again. (My Quaker
Parrot's favorite way to push my buttons.)
Humans who wear glasses need them. I will not insist on attempting to
remove every pair I see.
Even if it is fun, it's not nice to whistle for the dog and laugh at him
when he comes (repeatedly).
I will be consistent in my behavior. I will not step up one time and bite
the next -- at least without SOME visible cue as to what I have planned. (But
it sure is funny to keep her wondering!)
I will hold still when I am being photographed.
I will not acquire an attitude because my human filed my toenails and
refuse to be touched, fed, etc. for days. I know she is just saving her
I will not beg by hanging upside down with my wings outstretched at
I will not bite my human when she is holding me and her children come near
I will not bite my human's children when she is holding me and they dare
to come near.
I will not bite my human's fingers while s/he's trimming my nails.
I will not bob my head and laugh when misfortune befalls my humans and
they trip or drop things, nor will I fly over and circle above their heads and
shriek wildly to add to the melee.
I will not climb in my human's hair when I have to go back in my cage.
I will not climb on top of my cage whenever the opportunity arises and
dare my human to get me down.
I will not come in the cat door and scare both feline and human family
members to death by startling them.
I will not do the mating dance on my human's father's hand. (My father
thought that he was dancing, so I had the embarrassing task of explaining the
birds and the bees to him. Not a happy role reversal!)
I will not drop my treats through the mesh in the cage bottom and then beg
for another one (20 times in a row!)
I will not escape and hide in the valance and refuse to come when called,
making my owner fear I'm dead somewhere in the house.
I will not fall into a dark corner I can not get out of then remain silent
so my human can not find me.
I will not fly back and forth over my human's daughter who is afraid of
I will not fly down from the top of my cage then hide. This makes my human
afraid that the cat, dog, or bigger bird have eaten me.
I will not fly into my human's friend's mouth (This is a parakeet.)
I will not give my human kisses one second and next second give her the
beak of death.
I will not hang myself in my play ring to horrify unsuspecting guests then
laugh and get out of the ring myself when they run over to help.
I will not ignore my new expensive play toys.
I will not interrupt the humans when they are imitating nature by making
my female human's noises, which cause's them to laugh and get out of the mood.
I will not indicate that I am finished with my snack by flinging my dish
as far as possible.
I will not land on people's shoulders unexpectedly and scare the !$#!&
out of them.
I will not land unannounced on someone's head, scaring the daylights out
I will not look high and low to locate a dried poop and then conspicuously
chew on it to just to annoy my human and then fly off to make her come after
me to take it away.
I will not mimic the phone ringing when my human is talking to her friends
outside, or in another room, to get me back in the house or room where I am,
and then laugh when she comes in.
I will not perch on the top of my human's glass and dip my head way down
in a take a drink (also leaving a little of what I ate last).
I will not play King Kong by hanging on the side of the budgies' cage. I
am a macaw, not a gorilla.
I will not put my head down to be scratched then whirl around and bite.
I will not refuse to come to my human when she calls me nicely, then do
The Charge of the Avenging Macaw across the top of my cage so I can bite her
when she turns to leave.
I will not say "f-you" to everyone who comes into the house.
I will not scare senior citizens to death by flying on their heads and
chewing on their jewelry.
I will not sit on my human father's shoulder as he is about to lecture my
human and begin the preamble of the lecture for him.
I will not sit perfectly still, making visitors think that I am a stuffed
macaw, then when they get close enough, flap my wings and scream at them loud
enough to make them wet their pants.
I will not take a bath in the fresh drinking water my human just gave me.
I will not tattle on the kids when they aren't even home.
I will not tell the nice policeman to "BITE ME" when my human is stopped
for speeding. (Fortunately he had a sense of humour!)
I will not wait until my human has walked outside the house to start
fights with my birdy brother inside my human's shirt while we both scream and
bite at anything indiscriminately, causing my human to bounce around and
scream at us to "cut it out", in front of company and the rest of the
I will not want to go to sleep at 1:30 in the morning and wake up at 5:00
in the morning.
I will not wolf whistle at the neighbor, when she garden's in her green
If I get mad at my human for whatever reason, I will not deliberately
click the buttons that activate the burglar alarm. (Very embarrassing, to say
the least. I have now gotten to the point that I call the monitoring company
back (as soon as the alarm turns loose of my telephone) and try to avert the
police coming to my house. They have started charging for false alarms
although I argued with them the last time by telling them that my bird didn't
think it was "false" at all considering I had just clipped his toenails.)
If someone forgets to shut the door, I really shouldn't tease them by
perching on it, and yelling "Here she goes! She's gonna escape this time for
sure! Then what will you do?" (Yes my human does yell it, but that is no
reason to throw it in her face). I will not then hide under the stoop and
silently watch the melee while they frantically search for me.
It's not funny to imitate the telephone as soon as my human gets into the
It is not funny to fly into walls and fall behind the furniture, making my
poor human or her roommate think that I have injured myself.
It is not funny to land on the blade of the ceiling fan and then tweet
pitifully until my human rescues me (Especially since my human is only 5'4"
and must stand on a chair to get me down).
More annoying bird habits: landing on shoulder unannounced, while owner is
in the shower; "helping" to wrap Christmas presents (sticky tape, feathers and
paper don't mix); stealing whole slices of toast off the breakfast plate and
dropping them butter side down; sticking my beak into any unguarded cup of
tea, when I know it's not good for me; putting chewed paper into my human's
ear, then screeching when it is rejected; Ring necks and Alexandrines should
not enter the budgie cage and then complain about getting stuck; refusing to
believe that you all get the same small seed mix that you have in one of your
feeders; Princess parrots do not fit inside budgie nest boxes; Sit on your own
eggs please hens; Trying to call the local galah flock into the house through
an open window, and nearly falling out in the process; Walking around the
house, hiding under beds and rushing out to bite toes, (kakarikis really do
this); Pulling chunks of hair out when your person tries to disentangle you
from the top of their head; Objecting to the human's children getting a hug by
growling at them whilst perched on a shoulder; Chewing glasses with the person
still wearing them, just to get attention.
My human's purse, shopping bags and back pack are not for my personal
enjoyment and I will not climb into them anymore.
When my human's back is turned at the pet store I will not reach into her
purse and pluck out one of her tampons and proceed to unwrap it and start
shredding it. Likewise, when she leaves me in the car for a second, I will not
climb onto the back of the seat, after garnering one of the above and proceed
to play with it while people are looking into the windows, amazed to see such
a bird and prompting them to ask my human when she returns to the car, "What
is he doing?".
--- Bodily Functions ---
I do not have to say "Good poopie" whenever one of my poops stays in the
cage, especially when there are guests over.
I will not attempt to mate with my human's nightgown.
I will not barf in my human's beard, even if offering my barfed up lunch
is a sign of love for a bird's mate.
I will not barf in my human's ear.
I will not barf on my human's toes, no matter how much I think that they
look like baby birds.
I will not decide after my bath water has been changed to relieve myself
in it and then take my bath.
I will not defy the laws of physics by pooping on the walls, ceiling, and
areas fifty feet away when I haven't left my cage all day.
I will not fly like I'm fully flighted just after a wing clip.
I will not go into my cage and play with myself, making little squeaking
mating noises, when my human is eating, working on the computer, talking on
the telephone...or generally ignoring me. (My cockatiel masturbates when I am
trying to do something that doesn't involve her. I take this as her way of
saying, 'I can entertain myself - and I don't need you!')
I will not jump into my humans' bowl of popcorn and poop.
I will not mate with random piece of kleenex, then fall over beak first
and lie there gasping after my work is finished. (At least, not in front of
I will not poop in my human's hair, down her back, etc., etc.
I will not poop in my water dish right after my human fills it.
I will not poop in the printer.
I will not poop into my human's open purse several times after escaping my
cage, and leave it for her to find later.
I will not poop on my human's $150 silk blouse that has to be dry cleaned.
I will not poop on my human's hand and then fly away, just because I can.
I will not poop on my humans' new sofa.
I will not poop on the bathroom fixtures and then fly away, leaving
another bird to be blamed for my misdeeds.
I will not poop on the computer.
I will not poop on the floor when Human is bringing the newspaper bedding
to the trashcan.
I will not poop on the keyboard (just an accident, honest).
I will not poop on the others in my cage, even if it's extremely funny and
makes them scream.
I will not poop while my human is putting new paper down (that is, before
the paper is down and on the bare carpet) and laugh madly after I do it!
I will not sit on the very edge of my t-stand and poop where it will hit
I will not use picture frames as perches, then do my business right down
the front of the picture - and same with the mini blinds.
I will not wait until the precise Moment, when I am playing on the couch,
and the husband says, "That bird is gonna poop everywhere!" and then you say,
"Aw, he's a good boy. He won't do a no-no," to poop.
The basket of clean laundry is not my personal potty.
We will not "humpty-dumpty" with kids under 6 years visiting.
We will not conduct our hanky-panky sessions on the windowsill of the
front bedroom window of our townhouse so that my human's adult and child
neighbors approach her (even before she has gotten out of the car when
arriving from work) come running to ask her just what it was exactly we were
doing up on the windowsill a little while ago.
We will not get "frisky" in front of dinner guests.
--- Destroying ---
Cash and cheques are not there for me to shred. It is very important that
they be left intact.
Chairs are furniture, not food or chew toys.
I will not act really nice to human visitors and then when they let me on
their arm try to dissect their clothes. I am not in biology class and shirts
are NOT frogs.
I will not add perforations to the cover of every paperback book I meet.
My humans don't want to tear the covers off.
I will not attempt to correct the problems of the human condition by
chewing Yemen off the world globe.
I will not bite through the mouse cord.
I will not chew and otherwise destroy toys and perches just so that my
bird siblings cannot use them.
I will not chew holes in the window screen.
I will not chew my human's watch band through again.
I will not chew off all the beads my human spent hours sewing to her
costume by hand.
I will not chew off remote control buttons.
I will not chew on bills and then drop them into the trash can.
I will not chew on Halloween/Xmas decorations.
I will not chew on my humans' library books.
I will not chew on the blinds until they come down, trapping me between
them and the window.
I will not chew on the corner of the couch.
I will not chew on the mouse cord, keyboard cord, etc., etc.
I will not chew on the window sashes or grilles.
I will not chew on window sills so all visitors think termites are in the
I will not chew the brand new wall-paper off the walls.
I will not chew the cork out of the center of the coasters.
I will not chew the foil off the champagne bottles in the wine rack.
I will not chew the important outgoing snail mail
I will not chew the mouse cord.
I will not chew the plaster off the walls.
I will not chew up all the houseplants.
I will not chew up our fifteen year old plant.
I will not chew up the cookbooks or magazines.
I will not chew up the woodwork.
I will not destroy the remote control units.
I will not eat any more of my human's diamonds. (My African Gray, Bal-Chee
has managed to eat two diamonds from one of my rings.)
I will not eat my human family's new redwood deck again (unless of course,
I get the chance).
I will not eat the precious stones out of my humans' earrings and leave
the rest! [That one scared me. First off I was worried about Tosh becoming ill
(which he never did) although I never found the stone in the bottom of the
cage, second the ruby was a Christmas gift from my husband. I now have new
earrings (but I NEVER wear jewelry around the kids anymore!) and Tosh kept the
ruby or was able to sneak it by me in his poop! I warn all my friends before
he gets to them because he removed a diamond out of one of my friends
earrings, luckily I got it back before he was able to swallow that one too!
Always a challenge to keep you thinking, gotta luv 'em.]
I will not excavate holes into the walls and then become angry and sullen
when my human covers them. I will not then attempt to renew my excursion into
wall excavation by ruining repairs made to conceal the damage I caused.
I will not fly up to the puzzle hanging on the wall that my human just
made and glued together and chew it all up and then go back up there after she
told me not to.
I will not get mad at the cats for being "free" and then go into my
humans' bedroom to chew her brand new cat lamp screaming "Bad Kitty" the whole
I will not make eyelet lace out of every sheet of paper I meet.
I will not peel up and chew on the bathroom floor tiles.
I will not pluck 44 of the keys out of my mother's computer keyboard. (I
have a bare-eyed corella cockatoo and one night I was in the back room doing
something and she was out and my mother fell asleep in the living room. Well
Mom wakes up a few hours later and starts talking to my aunt telling her how
Winnie bit through my mouse cord looks over, and there are no keys on my
keyboard. They're all over the floor and the table and who was sound asleep in
her cage? Winnie.)
I will not pull the carpet out from under the base board and shred it.
I will not purposely break any valuable small object I can get my beak
I will not remove the little plastic ends of shoe laces from all shoes in
the house so that the shoe laces fray and no longer fit through the holes.
I will not rip Beatle posters into little shreds leaving only the bird
posters that I like.
I will not try to remove the stones from rings
I will not turn the bookshelves into piles of wood chips.
I will not turn up the heater in the aquarium while my humans are out,
boiling all the fish.
Pearl necklaces are expensive. When I see one on my human's neck, I will
not +treat it the same as the rod of cheap plastic beads in my cage.
The shattering of crystal glasses with sound waves should be done by opera
divas, not Macaws.
--- Food/Water ---
I must remember that, although bird seed is delicious to me, my human does
not like it, especially after it's been eaten once already.
I will eat pellets and fresh veggies.
I will no longer sample food from every person's plate and then decide
none of it is good enough for me to eat.
I will not bathe in my human's grandpas tomato soup, although it does make
I will not eat only red pellets all day long causing my human to go into
hysterics thinking I'm bleeding internally when she gets home from work, and
she sees my poop.
I will not fly in my humans' spaghetti plate, eat a strand, shake the
paste off my beak and try another one to see if it tastes the same.
I will not get insulted when my human offers me healthy food.
I will not go crazy and try to get out of my cage when I see my human
taking the yellow cheese out of the fridge.
I will not go on seed safaris on the floor to annoy my human and possibly
get inadvertently stepped on.
I will not gobble all the seeds in my dish and drop my Avi-Cakes through
the bars onto the floor. The Avi-Cakes are good for me and it makes my human
happy when I eat them.
I will not gobble up branches of parsley one day, and the next day react
to a sprig of parsley as though it were deadly nightshade.
I will not help myself to my human's French fries just because she is
reading a book. When she gives me one that is enough. (My Green-Cheeked Conure
waddles across the table and steals up to 5 fries at one time.)
I will not jump into dishes of steaming hot refried beans to gobble down
as much as I can before I get removed.
I will not land in the middle of my human's pizza, then walk all over it.
I will not make tracks across my human's (and guests) pizza trying to get
to the pepperoni rolls only to be slowed down by the small container of
dipping sauce which splashed all over me when I tried to step up on the side
of it. (My human didn't like it when I bit her as she was trying to get all
that ranch dressing out of my feathers either.)
I will not park myself by the treats and hog them, refusing to move, until
the last seed is eaten and I am so stuffed I cannot walk, let alone fly.
I will not pick out my favorite colors in my rainbow mix food and leave
all the round orange ones in the bowl.
I will not pretend to want to eat my human's cereal then jump in and take
I will not refuse to eat people food unless it is delivered from my
I will not regurgitate my dinner and feed it to the Birdie In The Mirror
I will not rub my cute little behind in my humans' spaghetti.
I will not run away with large pieces of lettuce from my human's salad.
I will not stuff myself into the water glass and attempt to take a bath
when I have only been offered a drink of water.
I will stop making puppy dog whimpers every time people are eating salty
popcorn in the room and not sharing.
When I say, "Mmm, Beakly want yum-yum!" I really will eat whatever I was