--- Hampering ---

    I will go into my cage quietly and without a struggle.

    I will not attack my human's fingers when she tries to do homework.

    I will not attempt to manipulate my human into staying longer to entertain me as she attempts to leave for work by singing the sweetest and most lovely lullabies and serenades I've ever sung in all my life.

    I will not chase my human's fingers frantically as she's typing so I can try to remove her long nails.

    I will not chew the tips of the shoelaces in my human's shoes 3 minutes before she leaves the house for work.

    I will not chew up the antenna on the cordless phone or wedge myself between my human's ear and the telephone when she's in the middle of a phone conversation.

    I will not come out of my food or water door if my human leaves it open while feeding me.

    I will not feed almond shells to the printer. This makes it feel so full that it won't eat the paper my human feeds it.

    I will not fight my human for the right to use the remote control; she has the right to choose the program we watch.

    I will not fly to the other side of the room when my human is trying to put me back in my cage.

    I will not get off my t-stand and try to follow my human up the stairs.

    I will not gnaw on my human's ear while she attempts to use the phone.

    I will not grab the mouse by the "tail" and drag it around, causing the computer to do weird things.

    I will not help my humans type on the computer.

    I will not insist on being in the presence of my human 24 hours/day 7 days/week.

    I will not make my human look stupid when she tells her friends I can talk.

    I will not perch on the curtain rods just out of reach when it is time to go back in my cage.

    I will not play boomerang when I'm being tossed back to my cage.

    I will not pull out that cute little button on my human's watch, even though it is fun to watch her later in the day when she looks back and forth between the clock on the wall and her watch and then runs around really fast grabbing things and flees the house.

    I will not put my tail on the keyboard while my human is typing, then get mad when my tail gets pressed into a key.

    I will not sit right on the section of newspaper my human is trying to read.

    I will not steal my human's pens and pencils and throw them on the floor and then proceed to chew up her eraser.

    I will not take the covers off other birds' cages when it's time to go to bed.

    I will not tap on the "Escape" key on the keyboard when my human's almost done composing a long, involved email.

    I will not try to remove that funny covering my humans put over the blood blister I gave her yesterday.

    I will not turn my human's recipe to confetti while she's in the middle of using it.

    I will not use delaying tactics (all my favorite tricks, get a drink of water, etc) to prevent my human from putting me to bed.

    I will not walk (and fight) on the computer keyboard when my human is trying to write a paper.

    I will not whimper with every breath for the entire time that my human is talking on the telephone.

    I will refrain from deciding whether or not to cooperate and get into my cage based on an assessment of the clothes the humans are wearing: bathing suit (pool) = OK; regular clothes + coat + packed items (a trip and I'm going!) =OK; regular clothes (veterinarian's office) = NO WAY.

    We will not act like a dive-bomber squadron and take turns diving one inch from our owner's heads while they use the computer.

    We will not scare the goldfish as we 'take a bath' in the aquarium!

--- Human-Related ---

    Human's fingernails are not feather sheaths and do not need to be removed by me.

    I do not have to bite my human if I see someone that I don't like and is out of my reach.

    I will continue to act incredibly cute and cuddly when visitors are here, even when I won't give my human the time of day after they leave.

    I will continue to make my human laugh by tickling her when I take a bath in her wet hair after a shower! We both think this is fun!

    I will not act calm and dainty with human visitors who come upstairs to see me and then suddenly shriek, circle over head and finally pounce onto my human's chest, cling like Velcro to her shirt, and scream "mommy! mommy!", all the while feigning terror because of the "intruder."

    I will not attack my human's cousin, then be a perfect gentlemen to the other one.

    I will not attack my human's two year old...even if she deserves it.

    I will not attempt to pierce my human's nose and lips.

    I will not bite my human in a vain attempt to be a conure nose ring.

    I will not bite my human when she has to clean the marshmallow fluff off of my belly because I decided to do a belly flop in her sister's marshmallow and graham cracker sandwich.

    I will not bite my human's neck just because I hate her new haircut.

    I will not cause my human teenage brother to need 5 stitches on Saturday night, just because my human showed up.

    I will not bite my human's nipple (through her shirt) and haul myself up on it, in attempt to climb up onto her shoulder. (True story! My African gray had a bad habit of doing that, and it hurt by crikey!)

    I will not chew on my human.

    I will not chew on my human's braces and refuse to let go.

    I will not climb all the way up my human's arm just so I can sneeze in her eye.

    I will not crawl into my human's shirt from her collar in front of company; she only laughs because she's ticklish, not because it's funny.

    I will not draw blood.

    I will not fly at my peoples' faces and attempt to peck out their eyes when they let me out of my cage, just because its shopping day and I had to be kept in for more than an hour.

    I will not fly in to spy on my humans when they are alone together in their bedroom and then fly out to invite the rest of my bird siblings to come in and watch the show, too, thereby returning with the entire flock of peeping-toms. I will further not dive at the male human in an effort to protect the female human from whatever it is I think he is doing to her, nor will I incite my siblings to fly overhead, shrieking and screaming, causing human heads pop up from under the covers, just so that we can get a better look at what they are doing under there (there is one particular bird who acts like the scout spy and gets this whole process into motion).

    I will not fly out of the nest box like a bat out of hell and bite my human, who is trying to keep me supplied with the makings of baby food. (Birds regurgitate when feeding their young).

    I will not get mad and attack my human because he needs to use the iron to press his pants to go to work.  (Our cockatiel sees himself in this iron and considers it as a very good friend!)

    I will not grab people's feet, especially when they don't know I'm there.

    I will not grab the bills of stranger's baseball caps and hang by my beak waving my talons in their faces.

    I will not hold my foot up and look innocent so that my human's daughter thinks that I am going to let her hold me, and then try to bite her.

    I will not incite my bird brothers to help me conduct experiments measuring primate reflexes by diving at all human male visitors, flying within an inch of their faces, then zipping up and over their heads, dragging our feet through their hair for added effect.

    I will not land on my human's head while she is trying to wash her hair.

    I will not look at my human as though he is hallucinating when his eyes water in pain or he winces after I have plucked a hair from his beard because I insisted on preening him.

    I will not nibble on my human's lip when she's trying to talk to someone.

    I will not play "king of the mountain" on my human's girlfriend when she is trying to make friends with me. (The one time that we were all alone, I felt sorry for Osiris. Actually I fell for her tricks -- she was pretending to be nice to me so I let her out of the cage. She quickly got up on my back to where I couldn't reach her, grabbed my ponytail and started to laugh her evil laugh of hers. I had to call my boyfriend at work to come home and get her off me! She has never been out of her cage without her my human around ever since!!)

    I will not pluck the hairs from the back of my human's neck.

    I will not preen my human's beard stubble.

    I will not pretend I want a kiss and then bite my human's lip.

    I will not pull earrings out of ear holes (especially when just pierced).

    I will not refuse to come to my human when I'm more interested in something else.

    I will not remove my human's eyelashes.

    I will not run up the front of my human and grab her lip when she meows at me.

    I will not scare the visitors by landing on their shoulders and chirping *loudly* in their ears.

    I will not shriek at my human's visitor when they step up to admire me, then laugh at them when they jump and wince.

    I will not stick my dry ugly black tongue in my human's ear or up her nose.

    I will not stick my tongue in my human's mouth when she kisses my beak, especially after I have been hand fed. Just because I like the food that tastes like dirt does NOT mean that the human does.

    I will not suddenly fly into a jealous rage and scream at the top of my lungs when my male human's girlfriend comes into the room and gives my human a hug.

    I will not try to crawl into my human's mouth every time I see an opening big enough for me to fit.

    I will not try to crawl into my human's mouth while she is eating what I can't have.

    I will not try to preen my human by pulling out her hair one strand at a time.

    I will not try to remove freckles and moles from people's necks.

    I will not try to remove my human's girlfriend's fingertips every time she feeds me.

    I will not try to remove my human's girlfriend's nose every time she walks near my cage!

    I will not yank earrings off people's ears.

    I will remember that toenails and fingernails are not feather sheaths and need not be removed.

    I will remind my human that I'm on her shoulder when she opens the door so I won't get the chance to escape (the bird did come back).

    I will stop staring longingly at my human's nose stud, making her paranoid.

    If I go under my human's sweatshirt, I will NOT bite.

    Just because my human's mouth is closed, I will not explore their nose as an alternate source of food (especially when he is trying to talk on the telephone).

    Telling my human that I'm a bad bird after taking a chunk out of my human does not negate my crime.

    Toes are not the enemy. (Every time my African Grey Suci spots a toe, he fluffs up puts his head down and charges. If are not paying attention he will try to amputate your toe!)

    When sitting on my human's shoulder, I will not press my butt up against her face when something startles or scares me and then continue to mash myself against her until the danger has passed.

--- Mess-Making ---

    I do not need to repeatedly test the theories of gravity with my food.

    I do not need to test the vacuum's suction by throwing my food on the floor as soon as anyone comes near my cage to vacuum and keep repeating this until the human gives up and ends up sneaking up and cleaning around the cage by hand after I'm asleep.

    I will not bulldoze everything off the desk the moment my human's back is turned.

    I will not dig out the grout on the tile countertops.

    I will not dump my dish of seed over!

    I will not dump the remains of the wallpaper purposely onto my human's head from on top of the door frame while she is using the phone.

    I will not fly around my cage like a maniac and throw feathers all over the floor right after my humans swept the floor.

    I will not grab every banana-flavored bit of food out of my pellet mix, and deliberately carry it over and drop it in the water dish so it can turn to sludge.

    I will not have a crash landing on the living room table and slide everything off in the process.

    I will not make perforations along all the edges of the checks my human just wrote to pay the bills, even if I like my lace work.

    I will not make soup by putting everything I get in my water dish and this especially includes spaghetti.

    I will not overturn the bathtub because another bird got into it first (even if the other bird did lace the water with poop).

    I will not put all the newspaper in my cage into my water bowl immediately after I get fresh paper in my cage.

    I will not soak everything in my water dish, making my human change the water because it is green from my wood toy I am trying to soften.

    I will not stick my head in a full bowl of pellets and sling them all over the carpet. I will not scream louder than the vacuum cleaner if I forget and DO sling my pellets.

    I will not tell my human I want my bathtub by getting into my water dish and splashing water at her.

    I will not throw the foods I like on the floor of the living room.

    I will not try to bathe in my human's glass of Gatorade.

    I will not try to make nests out of new bouquets of flowers.

    I will not use dirty dish water as a bath.

    I will not wedge my naughty budgie head under my seed and water dishes, give a mighty heave, and dump their contents all over the cage floor every morning, then tweet pitifully until they are refilled.

    I will not wipe the cheese (from my macaroni and cheese) on my beak on the shoulder of my human's shirt, giving a sticky glazing.

    I will stop stuffing my food in my back and chest feathers. I am pretty enough and don't need to decorate myself.

    Paper towels are on the roll for a reason. I need not unroll the whole thing.

--- Miscellaneous ---

    I will not be civil only when I want something.

    I will not escape from my cage while my human is gone, walk through the living room, down the hall, and into my human's bedroom, decide I'm tired and crawl into the middle of a pile of dirty clothes for a nap, then not answer my human when she calls and frantically searches the house for me.

    I will not misbehave and then be cute in an attempt to weasel out of it.

    I will not read this list and get ideas...

--- Misuse/Misappropriation of Items ---

    I will not "nest" behind the toaster oven.

    I will not steal my human's earrings when she's already late.

    I will not take baths in my human's desktop fountain.

    I will not use the printer as a place to hide my favorite pellets. (This happened a few weeks ago when I couldn't work out why the printer wouldn't feed the paper into the machine. When I lifted the printer up and turned it upside down and shook it, all sorts came out.)

    Lampshades are not perches.

    The R2D2 figure belongs on top of my human's computer monitor.

--- Night-Time ---

    I will not feed my human while she is sleeping. She may choke one morning on the corn and peanuts.

    I will not get out of the cage at 2 a.m. and fly around the room in the dark bumping into the windows and doors, then when my human tries to put me back in my cage I will not bite her. I also will not encourage the other 3 birds to do the same as me.

    I will not meow loudly at 3 a.m. (It's a mynah bird, who learned from the cat.)

    I will not page people at 5:30 in the morning.

    I will not whistle the Happy Birthday song in the middle of the night, just because I feel lonely.  (Sometimes, he does a medley of all the tunes he knows to get our attention).

    I will not scare my human half to death in the middle of the night by whispering "Hello" as she walks sleepily past my cage on her way back to bed after going to the bathroom.

    I will not scream my lungs out at 5 in the morning.

    I will not wake up my human at 4:30 in the morning by talking, screaming and throwing seeds in her face.

    I will not whistle and say "Woof woof, dumb dog!" at 4:30 in the morning until my human wakes up. If she doesn't get up I will not try to wake her up my flicking seeds in her face, nor will I dip my beak in water and splash water at her face. Furthermore, knocking the phone off the hook, pressing the preset button for 911 and screaming like a girl into the phone is not a cute way to get some attention.

    Pooping on my human's head when she takes a nap is bad enough, but I will stop waking her up by chewing the dried poop and letting the crumbs fall in her mouth.