Human's fingernails are not feather sheaths and do not need to be removed
I do not have to bite my human if I see someone that I don't like and is
out of my reach.
I will continue to act incredibly cute and cuddly when visitors are here,
even when I won't give my human the time of day after they leave.
I will continue to make my human laugh by tickling her when I take a bath
in her wet hair after a shower! We both think this is fun!
I will not act calm and dainty with human visitors who come upstairs to
see me and then suddenly shriek, circle over head and finally pounce onto my
human's chest, cling like Velcro to her shirt, and scream "mommy! mommy!", all
the while feigning terror because of the "intruder."
I will not attack my human's cousin, then be a perfect gentlemen to the
I will not attack my human's two year old...even if she deserves it.
I will not attempt to pierce my human's nose and lips.
I will not bite my human in a vain attempt to be a conure nose ring.
I will not bite my human when she has to clean the marshmallow fluff off
of my belly because I decided to do a belly flop in her sister's marshmallow
and graham cracker sandwich.
I will not bite my human's neck just because I hate her new haircut.
I will not cause my human teenage brother to need 5 stitches on Saturday
night, just because my human showed up.
I will not bite my human's nipple (through her shirt) and haul myself up
on it, in attempt to climb up onto her shoulder. (True story! My African gray
had a bad habit of doing that, and it hurt by crikey!)
I will not chew on my human.
I will not chew on my human's braces and refuse to let go.
I will not climb all the way up my human's arm just so I can sneeze in her
I will not crawl into my human's shirt from her collar in front of
company; she only laughs because she's ticklish, not because it's funny.
I will not draw blood.
I will not fly at my peoples' faces and attempt to peck out their eyes
when they let me out of my cage, just because its shopping day and I had to be
kept in for more than an hour.
I will not fly in to spy on my humans when they are alone together in
their bedroom and then fly out to invite the rest of my bird siblings to come
in and watch the show, too, thereby returning with the entire flock of
peeping-toms. I will further not dive at the male human in an effort to
protect the female human from whatever it is I think he is doing to her, nor
will I incite my siblings to fly overhead, shrieking and screaming, causing
human heads pop up from under the covers, just so that we can get a better
look at what they are doing under there (there is one particular bird who acts
like the scout spy and gets this whole process into motion).
I will not fly out of the nest box like a bat out of hell and bite my
human, who is trying to keep me supplied with the makings of baby food. (Birds
regurgitate when feeding their young).
I will not get mad and attack my human because he needs to use the iron to
press his pants to go to work. (Our cockatiel sees himself in this iron
and considers it as a very good friend!)
I will not grab people's feet, especially when they don't know I'm there.
I will not grab the bills of stranger's baseball caps and hang by my beak
waving my talons in their faces.
I will not hold my foot up and look innocent so that my human's daughter
thinks that I am going to let her hold me, and then try to bite her.
I will not incite my bird brothers to help me conduct experiments
measuring primate reflexes by diving at all human male visitors, flying within
an inch of their faces, then zipping up and over their heads, dragging our
feet through their hair for added effect.
I will not land on my human's head while she is trying to wash her hair.
I will not look at my human as though he is hallucinating when his eyes
water in pain or he winces after I have plucked a hair from his beard because
I insisted on preening him.
I will not nibble on my human's lip when she's trying to talk to someone.
I will not play "king of the mountain" on my human's girlfriend when she
is trying to make friends with me. (The one time that we were all alone, I
felt sorry for Osiris. Actually I fell for her tricks -- she was pretending to
be nice to me so I let her out of the cage. She quickly got up on my back to
where I couldn't reach her, grabbed my ponytail and started to laugh her evil
laugh of hers. I had to call my boyfriend at work to come home and get her off
me! She has never been out of her cage without her my human around ever
I will not pluck the hairs from the back of my human's neck.
I will not preen my human's beard stubble.
I will not pretend I want a kiss and then bite my human's lip.
I will not pull earrings out of ear holes (especially when just pierced).
I will not refuse to come to my human when I'm more interested in
I will not remove my human's eyelashes.
I will not run up the front of my human and grab her lip when she meows at
I will not scare the visitors by landing on their shoulders and chirping
*loudly* in their ears.
I will not shriek at my human's visitor when they step up to admire me,
then laugh at them when they jump and wince.
I will not stick my dry ugly black tongue in my human's ear or up her
I will not stick my tongue in my human's mouth when she kisses my beak,
especially after I have been hand fed. Just because I like the food that
tastes like dirt does NOT mean that the human does.
I will not suddenly fly into a jealous rage and scream at the top of my
lungs when my male human's girlfriend comes into the room and gives my human a
I will not try to crawl into my human's mouth every time I see an opening
big enough for me to fit.
I will not try to crawl into my human's mouth while she is eating what I
I will not try to preen my human by pulling out her hair one strand at a
I will not try to remove freckles and moles from people's necks.
I will not try to remove my human's girlfriend's fingertips every time she
I will not try to remove my human's girlfriend's nose every time she walks
near my cage!
I will not yank earrings off people's ears.
I will remember that toenails and fingernails are not feather sheaths and
need not be removed.
I will remind my human that I'm on her shoulder when she opens the door so
I won't get the chance to escape (the bird did come back).
I will stop staring longingly at my human's nose stud, making her
If I go under my human's sweatshirt, I will NOT bite.
Just because my human's mouth is closed, I will not explore their nose as
an alternate source of food (especially when he is trying to talk on the
Telling my human that I'm a bad bird after taking a chunk out of my human
does not negate my crime.
Toes are not the enemy. (Every time my African Grey Suci spots a toe, he
fluffs up puts his head down and charges. If are not paying attention he will
try to amputate your toe!)
When sitting on my human's shoulder, I will not press my butt up against
her face when something startles or scares me and then continue to mash myself
against her until the danger has passed.