--- Noise ---
- I do not have to end my human's phone conversations for her by
continuously saying "OK, bye" until she hangs up.
- I do not like cat food. I will not shriek jealously when the hedgehogs get
their night-time cat food and I am supposed to be asleep anyway.
- I will control myself and resist the urge to blurt out "poophead!" as
loudly and clearly as possible, then fluff myself up victoriously and bob my
head in laughter when the humans abruptly stop talking during times when my
humans have important visitors and guests. (Actually, he blurted out "s**tbird," and you should have heard the ensuing lecture later that night my
father received from my mother. But, considering who may be seeing this list,
"poophead" will do, and he actually does that, too).
- I will no longer jealously start screaming whenever my human even thinks
about picking up the phone.
- I will not chirp so loudly that the neighbours come over and think someone
is in pain.
- I will not deliberately egg the guinea pigs on in a competitive shrieking
- I will not do the "flock call" (FWEEEEP!) while sitting on someone's
- I will not flop down from my cage, hide someplace or get lost and scream
until my human finds me.
- I will not fly from room to room following my human while she uses the
vacuum cleaner and attempt to either harmonize with the vacuum or out-sing it,
thereby instantly deafening every human in the household as soon as the vacuum
is switched off because I am approaching the opus of my repertoire and refuse
to lower my decibel level.
- I will not freak out, drop to the bottom of my cage and scream every time
someone walks by with a foreign object such as a trashcan or grocery sack.
- I will not growl at my human when they try to pick me up.
- I will not imitate the dog's bark, and cause her to be sent to her room
for not hushing. Especially because we know she holds a grudge.
- I will not imitate the phone when my human is on deployment every time
someone tries to leave the house.
- I will not imitate the telephone rings. (Most of the time he will say
hello after he does it.)
- I will not make my human have a heart attack by screaming like I'm being
killed though I'm actually fine. (Especially when the cats are lying right
- I will not make such an incredible racket that my human cannot hear
- I will not make the sound of the smoke alarm every time my human walks
into the kitchen.
- I will not mimic the rooster for two hours straight on the only morning my
humans can sleep in.
- I will not panic and squawk when my human reads the Bad Bird page title
out loud in another room.
- I will not rattle the cage door repeatedly at 5:30 a.m. on days when my
human can sleep late.
- I will not repeat those foul words my human says in moments of irritation,
no matter how funny company thinks it is.
- I will not repeatedly say hello when company comes over and if the company
chooses to ignore me I will not scream my jungle scream.
- I will not ride around on the head of tall people with curly hair, popping
out of their hair occasionally while shrieking at the top of my lungs and
- I will not ring my bird cowbell on a chain constantly while my human is
trying to have a club meeting in her house.
- I will not say bye-bye every time my human picks up her purse.
- I will not scream 1,000 times a day (or so it seems...). (It drives me
nuts. He knows it's bothersome, because every time he does it, he tells
himself to knock it off, then he yells out "Nooo... stop it now!" Then he
screams again and so on...
- I will not scream above my natural capacity when my human makes or
receives a telephone call, and sustain said screaming throughout the duration
of the call.
- I will not scream as soon as the sun comes up on my human's day off.
- I will not scream at passing cars as if they are going to attack.
- I will not scream at precisely eight PM every night for the human to turn
the lights off.
- I will not scream at the top of my lungs when my human is on the phone.
- I will not scream every time my human leaves the room.
- I will not scream for attention when my human is entertaining other
- I will not scream like I am being tortured each time my human is on the
- I will not scream like someone is killing me when my wings are being
clipped. I know it is for my own good.
- I will not scream like the world is coming to an end if I hear the toilet
flush in the middle of the night.
- I will not scream louder than my human when she is trying to yell at the
kids. (I can scream louder you know.)
- I will not scream MOM as loudly as I can so that when my human does come
home she does not find the neighbors trying to break into the house thinking
that a kid is trapped or hurt inside.
- I will not scream my human's name at the top of my lungs, mimicking the
- I will not scream quietly at 5 in the morning so that the bigger bird
starts screaming loudly and then blame it on him.
- I will not scream when my human tries to whistle along with me.
- I will not scream when the mailman comes. (The naughty dogs taught him
- I will not sit on top of my cage and cry during my human's dinner.
- I will not sound the alarm whenever one of my human's children wakes up
- I will not sound the distress call for no reason, causing mass chaos.
(flock of 9 cockatiels)
- I will not spend the entire day screaming as loud as I can just because my
human has her mate, or any other male friend, over to visit.
- I will not spend the morning saying "Daddy is a Butt Head". (While goofing
off one day with my husband, I said to Foxy our CAG "Daddy is a butt head" and
he picked up on it right then and there. It has been one of his favorite
phrases yet. He is a fast learner.)
- I will not squeal No, no, no, no, no!" at my human at various times, to
which she is expected to reply "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" and away we go.
(Cracks hubby up every time.)
- I will not start moaning and gasping when my male human so much as kisses
my female human. (This actually happens to us with a bird we inherited - talk
about embarrasing! We can't even sit on the same couch without Paco starting.
He's a Quaker Parrot.)
- I will not tell everyone who comes in to the house (especially the pizza
man) to shut up.
- I will not throw my seeds into the air purifier to hear the rattling
- I will not try to imitate the phone or the vacuum sweeper.
- I will not try to out scream the TV during the loud commercials.
- I will not try to out-sing the radio.
- I will not use a 400 decibel shriek to inform the neighborhood I'm having
a good time. They tend to believe someone is being killed and my human's
afraid they'll call the police.
- I will not wait until someone has started homework such as studying for a
final to scream my lungs out.
- I will not whistle the X-Files theme all night and day, and threaten "I'm
gonna kill you!" to anyone who comes too close to my cage. (He got that when
my dog was a pup and I came home to find my first edition signed copy of
Nicholas & Alexandra Chewed to bits in the living room!).
- I will not yell COME ON at every man I see, and then when he does come
bite him because I don't like men.
- I will not yell LOOK OUT when I'm riding in the car and a semi truck
drives by (it gets very annoying.)
- I will try to remember my human works nights and I will try to keep my
singing down to a dull roar.
- It is not my job to make the beeping sounds for the microwave whenever my
humans open its door.
- It is not my job to tell anyone else when or where to go potty.
- It is not my job to yell "Bad cat, get down!" whenever my feline brother
jumps on the TV.
- Just because I hear my humans' car driving up, I don't have to let the
entire neighborhood know.
- Making the squeaks of various doors in correct order will not make people
magically appear from the kitchen with treats.
- No matter how attractive I think it sounds, my human does not appreciate
it when I squawk during her favorite television show.
- Screaming for no reason is annoying .
- The other 2 birds and I will not gang up on the cat and dog any more.
- There's never a good reason or a good time for me to show my humans that I
know how to imitate the neighbor's car alarm.
- We will not cackle outrageously when the family is playing Hearts with my
human and she gets the Queen of Spades dumped on her.
- We will stop squawking and flapping our wings like crazy when anyone other
than our human cleans our cage, feeds us, gives us fresh water, tries to play
- When I go to work with my human, I will not act like a two year old when I
get tired and squawk uncontrollably because I want to stay perched on
- When I learn a new word or noise (i.e., burping; snoring; Teletubbies
song) I will not continually repeat it for weeks at a time.
- When I make the "bad noises" (a Gray repeating Macaw squawks), following
them with "No! Bad Bird!" does not automatically make it all better.
- When the UPS truck comes, I will not scream knowing my food and treats are
in it, and if the human is not home I will not shred the packaging if it is
--- Not All There ---
- Car headlights outside the window are not the enemy.
- Christmas tree lights are not the enemy.
- I (a male African grey) cannot possibly hatch my plastic egg. (He sits for
hours on this egg, and sometimes puts it under his wing.)
- I do not have to grab a fridge door edge, climb up the side to the top, do
the Bird Rain Dance (hop, crouch, walk, hiss, hiss repeat) across the top of
the fridge, go down the other side to the counter, stop across the counter to
the sink and then scream if my human doesn't turn on the water for a "shower".
(For a few times I tried to give her a pan of water but she didn't like that
idea and dumped them.)
- I do not need a "security blanket" to sleep with. (She "sleeps" with a
small washcloth attached to the top of the cage and buries her head in it.)
- I do not need to have a conversation with the movies my humans are trying
- I really don't need to try to chase the ceiling fan blades, even though it
is fun having people chase me around the house turning them off, thus risking
death, and raising the A/C bills at the same time.
- I understand that the whiffle ball is not really my mortal enemy.
- I will never again stare dim-wittedly into space when my human brags about
all the sweet things I know how to say (until the other person leaves the room
- I will not attack the suction end of the vacuum attachment when my human
is cleaning my mess, as this may cause severe bodily injury to me, and may
induce a heart attack in my human when part of my body gets sucked in.
- I will not be so afraid of my human's new pajamas that she has to return
- I will not decide to jump off my perch while my human is gardening and
walk away into the horse pasture, almost getting myself killed.
- I will not fall in love with my human's socks.
- I will not fall into the toilet anymore.
- I will not fall into the trash can, even the one across the room I have to
- I will not fight with my reflection.
- I will not fly down to the floor. The dog is out to get me.
- I will not fly into walls and fall behind the furniture, making my poor
human or her roommate think that I have injured myself.
- I will not land somewhere hidden and scream for help until I hear someone
in the room, then shut up so they can't find me.
- I will not leave perfect imprints of a cockatiel on the bathroom mirror by
flying into it.
- I will not make my first flight through the house and decide that the open
top to the 100-gallon salt water aquarium is a good place to land. (The bird,
young cockatiel, was fine; he bird-paddled to a power head and waited while I
ran over to pick him up, chirruping happily.)
- I will not try to drink out of lit candles.
- I will try to not be afraid of bugs that fly by my cage and window.
- Just because it is red doesn't mean it is evil, and I don't have to run
away from it or make human take it back to the store because it is too scary.
- My humans ice in her glass is not the enemy. I will not sit on her glass
and fight with it and get everyone in the vicinity wet!
- Nail polish is not scary, and I will not try to get away from lacquered
nails that happen to be attached to my human's hands.
- The cockatiel in the mirror is not trying to invade my territory. I will
not attack it.
- The feather duster is not someone who was bad, so I will stop cowering
when it is on the table.
- The full length mirror in the bedroom is not a secret portal to another
universe. If I fly into it, I will be hurt.
--- Other Critters ---
- I am a parakeet, not an eagle, and I do not dive bomb my brother's fish
when he is feeding them.
- I may be just a lovebird, but I will remember that I am not big enough to
land on the cat and then preen his hair and bite him. The cat knows he is not
allowed to touch me and therefore sulks after the experience because he can
not eat me.
- I must remember that even painted turtle will snap when provoked, and just
because they walk slow does not mean they bite slow.
- I mustn't cry when I get my just desserts after tormenting the other pets.
- I will admit that I intended to push the smaller bird off the cage and
that it didn't "just happen".
- I will also try not to swim with the fish in their bowl, and I understand
that the fish bowl is for the convenience of the fish and not my personal
- I will not ask the dog if she wants to go outside just to watch her jump
the gate and no one is there so she has to jump back over it and walk past my
cage with her head hanging down and I LAUGH at her!
- I will not attack the hamster through its cage.
- I will not bite the bigger bird's toes.
- I will not bite the budgie.
- I will not bite the mastiff on the nose, then keep repeating "come here"
to get another shot at him.
- I will not bring all the snails & crabs out of the aquarium back to
"my house" to play.
- I will not call the dog and make it look at my human like "What? That was
your voice wasn't it?"
- I will not call the dog over to me and then take a chunk out of her ear.
- I will not crawl under the bottom bars of my neighbor's cage than eat his
food and poop when my human just cleaned both our cages and given us both
- I will not either put my foot on the chests of my bird siblings and push
them away or grasp their feathers and pull them toward me, as the case may be.
- I will not escape my cage while my human is not home, fly to the top of
the ceiling fan in the living room (I never leave them on while we're gone),
and sit quietly until one of the birds from the bedroom (out with my human)
notices I'm up there about an hour later, and I scare the bejeebers out of
both of them. (For weeks, the bird I had out with me would come in that room
and immediately stare at the ceiling fan until she was sure no one was up
- I will not fly toward the dogs and try to land on them, scaring them half
- I will not grab the base of another bird's tail with my foot, causing the
other bird to twitter or screech angrily, and hold on to it so they cannot
turn and confront me. I will further not attempt to hide my guilt by flying
away and pretending to be asleep on the curtain rod immediately prior to the
arrival of the house human to investigate the ruckus.
- I will not hiss at my brother when he is trying to be nice to me.
- I will not intimidate the cats or try to groom their whiskers.
- I will not lay eggs in other birds' cages.
- I will not lure smaller birds into grabbing distance by pretending to want
to preen them/get preened by them.
- I will not open the door on the next cage and let out the finches.
- I will not push smaller birds off the end of the shower perch or crawl
over them so I can push them off the end of the shower perch.
- I will not scare the German Shepherd by imitating his bark and growl.
- I will not secretly "do it" with my boyfriend and lay fertile eggs.
- I will not sit on other people's eggs.
- I will not sit on the chair next to the window and drive the neighbor's
- I will not take a swim in my human's aquarium.
- I will not throw water from my water bowl all over the unsuspecting guinea
pigs beside my habitat.
- I will not torment my sister after she has made it clear she doesn't want
- I will not torment the dog by doing fly-bys when I know she will try to
snap at me, and have to go back to her room.
- I will not try to kill my human's friend's cockatiel when put in the same
house as him.
- I will not try to mate with the bunny's ear, and then wonder why she bit
my toe and drew blood, scaring my human half to death.
- I will not try to remove the tails from my human's girlfriend's cats.
- I will remember that the floor is the dog's territory; the dog has the
right to chase me down there.
- I will remember the cat's tail is not a chew toy.
- I will stop sending the dog to his kennel (Yes the dog always goes when I
tell him to).
- It is not nice to call the cats by name over and over until they come to
me, and then try to bite them.
- Preening other species (like rodents) is not always welcome.
- Pushing other cockatiels off the table is not fun.
- The dogs don't like me. I will try not to step up on their backs while
they are asleep.
- We will not scare the goldfish as we take a bath in the aquarium.
--- Vets, Illness and Medicine ---
- I will control myself when going for my check-up and not attempt to evade
or sidestep the veterinarian, nor when I am picked up commence screaming the
Universal Birdie Distress Call so loudly that the humans cannot hear each
other talk, all the other birds in the clinic are worked into a screaming
frenzy and general panic, and the clinic staff must shut off all the lights in
the office to quiet us down. After all, I am a dainty and dignified budgie.
(So predictable and loud is her screaming that she earned the title "Little
Monster" amongst the office staff).
- I will not turn around and attempt to bite the veterinarian as payback
after he is finished examining me, has returned me to my perch and is already
withdrawing his hand.