Dead Parrot Sketch
The Pet Shoppe
A customer enters a pet shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to
make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain
about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's
wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's
dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and
I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'!
Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got
a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO
POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing!
Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the
it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin'
up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad
enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and
when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total
lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk
is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I
got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's
back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot
when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it
had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't
nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars,
bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't
"voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This
parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet
'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you
hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is
metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back
of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a slug.
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton,
he'll replace the parrot for you.
C: Bolton, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves.
The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner
is putting on a false
C: This is Bolton, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for
The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked
C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
C: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this
job because I like being my own boss!
C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files
out to 200 lines, you know.
C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train
and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
A: No, this is Bolton.
C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was
A: Can't blame British Rail for that.
C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!
C: I understand this IS Bolton.
O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
C: You told me it was Ipswitch!
O: ...It was a pun.
C: (pause) A PUN?!?
O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells
the same backwards as forwards?
C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
O: Yeah, that's it!
C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of
"Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!
O: Well, what do you want?
C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any
longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far