Humor, Fun > Humor - Index

First Law of Expert Advice: Don't ask a barber if you need a haircut.
Razors pain you
Drugs give cramp
Acids stain you
Rivers are damp

Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful -
You might as well live.

-- Dorothy Parker
There's a truism that the road to Hell is often paved with good intentions. The corollary is that evil is best known not by its motives but by its methods. -- Eric S. Raymond
--------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ----------
"...Besides, there may be listers here
with minds like bright stars flickering
They be lurking out of sight
above our petty bickering.

Beyond the smallness of our thoughts
they read our posts each week
and smile, for those who speak, don't know
and those who know, don't speak!"

"Master, do you know the secret of life?"
"Yes, I do."
"Will you tell it to me?"
"Why not?"
"It's a secret."
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.
... As I said before, I never repeat myself.
... I'm not dead; I'm metabolically challenged.
.siht ekil ti gnidaer eb dluow ouy ,werbeH ni erew ecnetnes siht fI
668--the Neighbor of the Beast
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned
a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A compliment is not worth anything until it's given away.
A dirty mind is a joy forever.
A great many open minds should be closed for repairs. -- Toledo Blade Newspaper
A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
A hermit has no peer pressure.
A lot has been said about politics. Some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate.
A meeting is a place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
A person can fail many times, but they are not really a failure until they start to blame someone else.
A thief without an opportunity is called an honest man.
A thing not worth doing, is not worth doing well!
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Abstinence is a good thing if practised in moderation.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
Always love thy neighbour. And always pick a good neighbourhood to live in.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
Any children left unattended will be sold as slaves. (sign in shop)
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Anybody who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Apart from hydrogen, the most common thing in the universe is stupidity.
Apartheid is a pigment of the imagination.
At the beginning there was the Word - at the end just the Cliché.
Avoid clichés like the plague.
Before I started working here I drank, smoked and used foul language for no reason at all, but thanks to this job I now have a reason.
Before you meet your handsome prince you have to kiss a lot of toads.
But when we've replaced stupidity with ignorance, we've begun to learn....
Castrate rapists - have a ball.
Change is inevitable, growth is optional.
Chastity is its own punishment.
Cheops' law: nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Come home Oedipus, all is forgiven. Mum.
Over my dead body. Dad.
Computer bytes rarely produce rabies, but some will give you a virus.
Consider how hard it is to change yourself; and you will understand what little chance you have trying to change others.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Do I believe in the Bible? Hell, man, I've even seen one!
Do not adjust your mind, there's a fault in reality.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? -- Sam Longoria
Duck is a four letter bird.
Due to financial constraints the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.
Even on clear days, I can't see the point .
Every time I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. -- Will Rogers, philosopher
Everybody is someone else's weirdo.
Everybody wants to be normal, but nobody wants to be average.
Everyone wants to be noticed, but nobody wants to be watched.
Evolution doesn't take prisoners.
-- overheard on rec.guns
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
Family is like peanut brittle. It takes a lot of sweetness to hold all the nuts together.
Far away is close at hand in images of elsewhere.
FATAL ERROR: Bad user detected at keyboard.
FATAL ERROR: Unable to locate Coffee - Operator Halted!
Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions that differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions. -- Albert Einstein
Fight entropy. Break the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
First rule of holes: when you're in one, stop digging.
Food should be nutrition and entertainment.
That's why we tigers like our food surprised and running. - Calvin & Hobbes
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, but generally too late to do any good.
Frodo:" ... He deserves death."
Gandalf: "Deserves it! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death.
And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them?
Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement."
From a presentation package: "This page intentionally left almost blank."
From what I hear, sainthood is one of those involuntary things, like hiccups. -- Emily Dolan
Fun, Legal, Profitable--pick two.
Genius has limitations, but stupidity is boundless.
Geography is everywhere.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you drive up the price of bait & tackle and disrupt the local ecosystem.
Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
- overheard on sci.skeptic
God is real, unless declared as an integer.
He that fights and runs away, may live to fight another day.
He that knows little, often repeats it.
He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how.
- Nietzsche
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
He who refuses to do arithmetic is doomed to talk nonsense.
He's a born-again Christian. The trouble is, he suffered brain damage during rebirth.
Hold rather than hurt.
Hurt rather than maim.
Maim rather than kill.
Kill rather than allow yourself to be killed
Hypochondria is the one disease I haven't got.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I am the world's greatest authority on my own opinion.
I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is us. -- Konrad Lorenz
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I don't have the evidence to prove that God doesn't exist, but I so strongly suspect that he doesn't that I don't want to waste my time. -- Isaac Asimov
I don't like violence, but I'm very good at it.
I don't want to die! Existence is one of my strong points!
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy,
and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
-- Emo Phillips
I like to go into restaurants and, when asked if I have reservations, say, "Yes, I do have some, but I'm willing to give it a try anyway."
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death
that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit
it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past
I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone
there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
-- Frank Herbert, Dune
I never get lost because everyone's always telling me where to go.
I refuse to enter a battle of wits with an unarmed man...
I think animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I thought I was wrong once... but I was mistaken.
I used to be conceited, but now I'm absolutely perfect.
I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed...
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I was drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows, they learned to swim. -- U2
I was sad because I had no shoes, then I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you don't need?"
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on
the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?"
He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?"
He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of God
or baptist church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of God, or are you
reformed baptist church of God?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of God, reformation of
1879, or reformed baptist church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed baptist church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
-- Emo Phillips
I'd rather have Artificial Intelligence than Natural Stupidity.
I'm not born again--my mother got it right the first time!
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
If God had meant for penguins to fly, he would have given them wings.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths!

If vegetarians eat vegetables, beware of humanitarians!
-- Sam Longoria

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you can't answer a man's arguments, do not panic. You can always call him names.
If you can't laugh at yourself, then you can bet that everyone else is doing so.
If you don't care where you are, you aren't lost.
If you don't feel crazy, you're not in touch with the times!
If you meet the Buddha on the Net, put him in your kill file.
If you're not confused, you're misinformed.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.  -- Sam Longoria
If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur. -- Red Adair, when asked what his fee was for extinguishing oil well fires after the Gulf war.
If you think that small things can't make a difference - try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room!
Ignoranus: someone who isn't just stupid, they're also an asshole.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
In any argument, there will be people on your side whom you wish were on the other side.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In heaven an angel is nobody in particular.
Is it called software 'piracy' because it's free booting?
It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge. -- Voltaire
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
It was a time when all men were christian and religion ruled the lands.
It is no coincidence this was called the Dark Ages.
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we don't really care about.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's better to copulate than never.
It's not what teachers teach that counts.
It's what students learn that makes the difference.
-- Steve Zimmerman
Join the army. Travel to exciting, exotic lands, meet exciting, exotic people, and kill them. -- Sam Longoria
Just because your doctor has a name for it doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Just becuase I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.
Just when you think you've finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years
of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies
in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry
Keep things as they are. Vote for the Sado-Masochist Party.
Lack of money is the root of all evil.
Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate.
(All hope abandon, ye who enter here.)
-- Dante Alighieri (1265-1321)
Last Tuesday's meeting of the Apathy Society has just been cancelled.
Learn from the mistakes of others; you'll not live long enough to make them all yourself...
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
Life is just one damn thing after another.
Life's not fair. That's why we should be.
Love is like pi---natural, irrational, and VERY important.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
Man is the only asynchronous heuristically programmed computer which can be mass produced with unskilled labour.
Men call us birds. Is that because we pick up worms?
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Minds are like parachutes: they only function when open
Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
Most people would sooner die than think, and most people succeed in this.
Murphy was an optimist.
My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours.
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
Never argue with a fool, people may not know the difference.
Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity.
Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow. -- Plato.
Never mind the dog; beware of owner!
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do next week.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Never try to teach a pig to sing, ... it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and no man so wise that he may not easily err if he takes no other counsel than his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master. -- Ben Johnson
No problem is so big or so complicated that it cannot be run away from.
No problem is so big that it cannot be solved by a miracle.
Nostalgie is ook al niet meer wat het geweest is.
Not very much matters, and nothing matters very much.
Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.
Nothing is impossible for people who don't have to do it themselves.
Of all the people I know, you're one of them.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One thing about the rat race: even if you win it, you're still a rat...
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. -- Martin Luther King
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.  -- Sam Longoria
Predestination was doomed to failure from the start.
Procrastinate now!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Q: What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?
A: I don't know and I don't care.
Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time. -- Terry Pratchett
Reality is for people who can't cope with drugs.
Reincarnation is making a comeback.
Results are what you expect, and consequences are what you get.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
Scientists, like the rest of us, have an uncanny ability to find what they
are looking for. Whether it is there or not.
-- The Amazing Randi
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Sick, sick, sick--the humor of the Beast
Sincerity is the key. When you can fake that, you've got it made.
Smile, they said, life could be worse. So I did and it was.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up."
-- Charlie Brown, Peanuts
Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching. -- Yogi Berra
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Sufficiently advanced political correctness is indistinguishable from irony
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Teachers open the door, but you must enter yourself.
That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast.
That which does not kill you may just be....toying
That which you cannot give away, you don't possess; it possesses you.
The difference between the living and the dead is timing.
The dignity of man lies in his ability to face reality in all its meaninglessness.
The early bird gets the worm; the early worm gets eaten.
The human brain starts working the moment you are born
and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions.
The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing;
3. feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train!
The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a "No Exit" sign.
The meek shall inherit the earth - if that's all right with the rest of you.
The meek shall inherit the earth - in plots of 1 by 2 metres.
The meek shall inherit the earth when the bold have gone to the stars.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
The only problem
with Haiku is that you just
get started and then
The only queer people are those who don't love anybody. -- Rita Mae Brown, at the Gay Olympics
The only way to have a friend is to be one.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
-- Emo Phillips
The problem with having an open mind is that people toss in garbage.
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella:
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
-- Lord Bowen
The student must be better than the teacher; else, where are we going?
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. -- Lily Tomlin
The world always makes the assumption that the exposure of an error is identical with the discovery of truth -- that the error and truth are simply opposite. They are nothing of the sort. What the world turns to, when it is cured on one error, is usually simply another error, and maybe one worse than the first one.
H. L. Mencken
The zen master walks up to the hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."
There are only 2 things separating us right now: fear and atmosphere.
You overcome the first and I'll send you flying through the second...
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
There are too many people trying to change this world who could not change a fuse.
There is no key to the universe. It was never locked.
These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me,
they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome
like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it.
-- Charles Barkley
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
Time is a great healer, but a lousy makeup artist.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
To ask a question is but a moment's embarassment.
Not to ask a question, however, is a lifetime of ignorance
To err is human, to forgive, divine.
To err is human; to really foul things up it takes a computer.
To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Try not to take life too seriously. You're not going to get out of it alive anyway.
Twice five syllables
Plus seven can't say much but
That's Haiku for you.
My two rules for success:
1. Never tell anyone everything you know.
-- Sam Longoria
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Walk this way, sir.
If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need aftershave.
Want a second chance to make a first impression? Introduce yourself to me twice...
We cannot seek or attain health, wealth, learning, justice or kindness in general. Action is always specific, concrete, individualized, unique. -- John Dewey
We do not perceive things as they are, we perceive them as we are.
We judge ourselves by our motives, others by their actions.
We must believe in free will. We have no choice.
When a man tells you he got rich through hard work, ask him whose?
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. -- Mae West
When in danger or in doubt
run in circles, scream and shout.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.
When the game is over, the king and the pawn get put away in the same box.
When you argue with a fool, so does he.
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
Wherever you go, there you are!
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure
on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums
unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn
to even it out.
Will your answer to this question be no?
Women like the simpler things in life - like men.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
You are young only once, but you can be immature all your life.
You become what you spend your time being.
You can always tell a manager, but not much.
You don't lose just because your opponent thinks you did. -- Will Shetterly
You don't need to bring your adversaries to their knees, just to their senses.
You have taken yourself too seriously.
Your last ditch technique involves a 180 degree pivot on the ball
of one foot, like so, followed by the placement of the other
foot in front of that foot, then you shift your weight
onto the forward foot, bring the back foot up and past the front
foot. Repeat this as fast as you can...
You're not just another number. Think of yourself as a fixed-length
alphanumeric character string.
You say you have problems as great as my own;
I am forced to admit that is true.
But consider the fact that mine happen to me,
While yours only happen to you.