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Jokes about Vegetables
From Melanie


A woman's vegetable garden is growing like mad, but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting pretty tired of it.

So she walks over to her neighbor's and asks, "Your tomatoes are always red, while mine are always green. How do you do it?"

Her neighbor says, "Well, this may sound absurd, but here's what you do. After dark, go out into your garden and take off all your clothes. When the tomatoes see you they'll get embarrassed and blush. Tomorrow they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the heck, she figures. So she does it.

The next day her neighbor asks her how it went.

"So-so," she said, "The tomatoes are still green, but the cucumbers are all 4 inches longer."


A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, lettuce out of the other, and a zucchini up his nose.

He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.

The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."


A married woman was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they always have sex in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, during one passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp-- only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past five years!?!"

"Honey, let me explain!"

"Why you impotent louse!" she screamed. "You sneaky son of a prick!"

"Speaking of sneaky..." he interrupted, "would you care to explain our three kids?"


Two elderly ladies happen to meet at the market after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one of them asks how the other one's husband is doing.

"Oh, Ted died last week! He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh, dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"I opened a can of peas instead."


Two little old ladies stopped by a produce stand and inquired about the price of zucchinis.

"40 cents apiece or 3 for a dollar," said the farmer.

The first lady looked at the other questioningly.

"Well, we can always eat one," said her friend.