Dairy's Compassion-For- Animals Scheme
"Hateful to me as the gates
of Hades is that man who hides one thing in his heart and speaks
"Tricks and treachery are the practice of fools
that don't have brains enough to be honest."
- Benjamin Franklin
With all of the exuberance commonly found in high school pep rallies,
68,000 dairy lovers attended this past week's World Dairy Expo in
Madison, Wisconsin. Today (Sunday, 10/4/09) is the final day of that
Bailing out sinking boats and sticking fingers in leaking
dikes, dairy geniuses developed a plan to counter all of the negative
publicity generated by Wayne Pacelle's (Humane Society) and Ingrid
Newkirk's (PETA) revealing undercover abuse dairy farm videos. So, the
milk industry's antidote to truth became a recurring theme at this
year's Expo. Dairy's new strategy is to deny that farmers mistreat cows
and brainwash the public into believing how well dairymen are
actually treating bovine units and how much they truly care about animal
The National Milk Producers Association (NMPF) and Dairy
Management Inc. (DMI) issued this joint press release at a World Dairy
Expo news conference:
"Dairy farmers are passionate about the
care they provide to their animals. The National Dairy Farm
takes that producer passion and quantifies it to tell the story of dairy
animal care to our customers and consumers... It includes current best
practices, innovations and advances in technology."
veterinarian and milk farmer (Karen Jordan) added that it's all about
'CARE' (count 'em):
"Dairy producers should...combat the
misinformation that is flooding the public about dairy on-farm animal
care. We have a great story to tell about animal care on our farms.
We need to speak with a unified voice on animal care in the dairy
industry so that consumer shave confidence that our animals are well
So, since they pretend to 'care' while cutting off
tails with a carving knife (tail docking) or chopping off calve's
horns without anesthesia, or castrating bulls without pain killers or
separating the young a few hours after birth from their angry mothers,
or sending young males and old broken-down or diseased moms to the
slaughterhouse, we at NOTMILK have come up with a truly compassionate
Since Elsie and her sisters have grown to grotesque proportions, why not offer them survivable liposuction? People do it. Why
not cows? Save the fat and add it with soy granules to make a tasty
animal-abuse- free burger? Or, we can utilize that fat to power our
environmentally friendly $75,000 autos which run on rendered fat.
While we're there, how about udder reduction? No offense, ladies, but
those grotesque mammaries are dragging on the ground picking up feces and
mud which drips into the milk. Udder reduction for 9-million cows can
result in 100 million or more pounds of tasty meat for American
consumers, and no bovine would have to die to feed humans. Want to keep
milking the sick, diseased, and downer cows? Surgically remove their
legs and we'll roll them around on converted supermarket shopping carts.
That would provide (9 million cows times 4 legs times sixty pounds per
limb) over two billion pounds of osso bucco and scallopini.
one should thrill Jewish Deli owners. Remove cow's tongues to provide
500-million tasty tongue sandwiches. A secondary benefit of universal
bovine tonguectomies would be to forever end that offensive mooing sound
often heard by kids in the backseats of passenger cars speeding by dairy
farms on the way to nowhere...
Since they could no longer talk why
would they need to hear? Might as well remove their ears too.
Afficionados of authentic Chinese cooking know that "pig ears" are a
delicious (but crunchy) delicacy. Why not cow ear?
Then, sponsor an
adopt-a-cow program, as cows on wheels make for efficient and
environmentally friendly lawn mowers. It's a caring (the operative word
here) alternative to slaughter.