Where Ignorance Is Bliss
"Dick: May the Good Fairy sprinkle stardust on your bippy.
Dan: Just a minute now. I've been meaning to ask you; what's a bippy?
Dick It's a baby bip.
Dan: Then what's a bip?
Dick: It's a big bippy.
Dan: Are you sure?
Dick: You bet your sweet bippy, I'm sure!"
- Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In, 1969
If ignorance is bliss, then we should NOT email our
friends or relatives news of the discovery of
endocrinologist Clark Grosvenor.
Be compassionate, and keep the truth from those you love
who consume ice cream and cheese.
Clark Grosvenor was a man driven by curiosity and had a
burning desire to know if hormones could possibly be found
in the same glass of cow's milk that school kids drink.
Dairy farmers might have suggested that Dr. Grosvenor was a
scientist badly in need of a hobby.
So, Grosvenor got funding for his project and he went to the
lab. And he researched. And he used all of the skills that we
laymen have long since forgotten from high school chemistry
to isolate and identify. And when Dr. Grosvenor had finished
his astounding task, he had done just that.
Isolated and identified.
Fifty-nine unique hormones in every sip of milk. A motto never
to be used by the dairy industry's copywriters and admen, and you
can bet your sweet bippy on that one.
The Heinz company would have been proud to own such a motto.
The dairy industry would be mortified. This information could
never be released to the public. Who would ever drink milk
after learning that tidbit of information? With that knowledge,
what parent would ever allow a child to drink cow's milk?
Despite the odds against him, Grosvenor set off to find a
publisher for his mind-boggling research results.
Rumor has it that Time and Newsweek passed and Ladies Home
Journal could not justify publishing Grosvenor's research
because of its incompatibility with the seventeen milk
ads that were due to run concurrently in the following
Sport's Illustrated saw no point to it all, but their editors
did note that models posing for the swimsuit issue kept showing
up with physical endowments more enhanced than previous years.
Even the New York Times, with all the news that's fit to print,
determined that this news was not fit to print, recognizing
that truth must subordinate itself to ad revenue. Ultimately,
Grosvenor's work was published in volume 14, number 6 of an
obscure publication called the Journal of Endocrine Reviews in
1992, where it sat for many years, undiscovered, until a guy
calling himself the NotMilkMan found the paper, and in the
venerable style of Archimedes some 22 centuries earlier,
uttered his solitary word of effervescing acknowledgment,
Visualize a wretched looking emaciated cow with flies buzzing
round her stinking butt and grotesquely contoured head. Now,
imagine the most beautiful Holstein specimen, with anatomically
perfect udders laden with milk. Both bovine shares a common
trait. Each one carries milk which naturally contains
powerful steroid hormones. Now, ladies and gentlemen, glance
over at the serene and lovely face of your significant other.
He or she is about to wake from a restless night's sleep and
drink that glass of milk from either one of the two creatures
for breakfast and become transformed into a psycho-beast from
the netherworld and there's not a gosh-darned thing that can
be done about it.
Cow's milk contains steroid and protein hormones. The
healthiest milk from the cleanest, organically-raised cow
unquestionably contains hormones. The ugliest cow, barely
able to stand on her own four legs, suffering from the agony
of arthritic bones caused by calcium depletion, in constant
anguish from overworked and ulcerated udders also carries
milk containing these same naturally occurring powerful
Can you imagine starting your day with an estrogen pill,
followed by progesterone, prolactin, melatonin, oxytocin,
and 50+ other chemical messengers, including gastrointestinal
peptides and hypothalamic hormones? It is no wonder that the
Townsend Medical Letter noted the following in May of 1995:
"In reality, cow's milk, especially processed cow's milk,
has been linked to a variety of health problems, including:
...mood swings, depression, and irritability."
OK, trust me here, people...Due to circumstanes far beyond
our control, we guys have become behavioral experts on this
hormonal thing...pre-menstrual, post-menstrual, climacteric,
this syndrome and that...how can we cope with this stuff?
Our crimes? So we occasionally leave the toilet seat in the
wrong position and drop dirty underwear on the bedroom
floor...is this reason enough to be living with a hormonal
psycho-creature from perdition? If your significant other
has eaten one or more portions of dairy before bed, let
this be your warning. Be nice, be caring, don't, I repeat,
don't push the wrong buttons. You know the obvious triggers,
but you may not be aware of the explosive force of dairy
synergy caused by swallowing hormones. Milk hormones.
For fatal attractions, do not turn the light off on your
dairy-using mate until you hear the snoring. It ain't
over until the neurotic dairy-user sleeps. Allow your
mate to drink milk and you've taken the first step towards
attaining your inevitable destiny, that of a pathetically
beaten lost soul. It's not too late to spike the Special-K
with soymilk. If you do not, prepare to suffer the consequences...
His name was Vinko Bogataj, and he forever became known as
the "agony of defeat" week after week, year after year, as
ABC'S Wide World of Sports captured the losing end of his
now infamous ski jump.
That is you, my friend. You are Vinko, and the mood swings,
depression, and irritability described so eloquently by
medical professionals writing for the Townsend Medical Letter
and suffered so ignominiously by your mate after consuming
milk and dairy products will continue to take you on an
upside-down inside-out somersault through life.
Learn to tell this joke...I dedicate it to all dairymen...
A man goes to a medical clinic for tests, and the doctor says, "I've got bad
news, and more bad news."
"Okay doc, give it to me straight. What's wrong?"
"The bad news is...you've gotten prostate cancer from your habit of drinking
cow's milk and eating cheese."
"And the other bad news?"
"The other bad news is, you've caught Mad Cow Disease and gotten an
Alzheimer-like brain wasting illness from eating dairy products."
"Well, at least I don't have cancer!"
"Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise."
- Thomas Gray